Journal Refections: at 34 Weeks
I decided to share my journal entry with you guys – I journal my prayers and sometimes they turn into more reflections, article-like almost, as opposed to traditional prayers like you might imagine. Just including God in my thoughts and now sharing them with you! Thanks for reading.
Another day, another beautiful, quiet morning at home, dishes done, breakfast ate, husband off to school, me ready for my workday but with some time left to savour… So grateful. I really can’t believe that in no time at all, life will never be the same. Remember this, Bon! On the brink of a huge change, remember the unknown, the anticipation, the nerves and the excitement. For there will be hard times ahead, frustrating times, scary times, always out-of-our-control times with this child from birth and for the rest of their years! So savour. Savour these quiet moments, these times of reflection, these warm cups of coffee freshly brewed, those quiet moments in bed with Mikey.
It’s actually very emotional to think of letting all this go, yet it’s also what we’ve wanted so badly for so long. I remember listening to others share news of their pregnancy and breaking inside despite my smile and warm, congratulatory embrace. That was hard, and sitting with family at Christmas sharing stories about our past year brought tears and emotion up so deeply in me that I hadn’t realized was there. I trusted God’s story our lives and was trying to embrace our 0% diagnosis; I wanted to believe God really had something different in mind for us, and yet there was still pain present. It bubbled up in both Mikey and I that Christmas with family and shortly thereafter on our annual backcountry ski trip. We had an incredible time with amazing skiing and the hut and mountain all to ourselves, yet we both felt empty. We commented on how we’d trade those adventures for time at home with a crying baby; after 9 years of married adventures, we felt ready for something new.
And then, February hit. February 4th, when I realized that I was late. Without any emotion attached, I remembered I had one pregnancy test stored away and got up to take it. I didn’t feel anxious or excited – I’d been 12 days late before and still tested negative, plus the doctor had told us it couldn’t happen. We’d turned our attention to the fertility clinic, but even beyond that to a life without kids and all the GOOD things God could do in and through us if we didn’t have children. We were planning a 3 week kayak trip down the Nahanni River, just the two of us, and had never anticipated a trip so much in our lives. So many potential good things, new adventures, and freedom ahead of us! – all that with just a background tinge of pain.
Two lines. I had to google what that meant. We didn’t believe it! But you already know that part of the story (shared here!), and now we are 6 weeks away from our due date and I’m still shocked it’s happening.
My brother and I on the California coast…back when we thought it wasn’t possible!
Indeed, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). All life is a gift, and this gift feels like a miracle gift, one crafted and sent to us in God’s perfect timing, as everything always is with Him. And now, as I release aspects of one life and embrace aspects of another, the question is, do I truly believe, can I really say, that “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing” (Psalm 16:22)? Because above all, despite all the lavish good in m life, it all pales in comparison to knowing Jesus. I want – have always wanted – to say with the Apostle Paul, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). What a bold statement!
It is into this conflicted heart and conflicted world that we bring a baby, a long-awaited-for boy or girl who will teach us so much about selfishness, selflessness, joy, pain and love. I’m nervous, of course – the word doesn’t convey the depth of the feeling! – but excited to see who has been rolling around in my belly for 8 months now. To meet this one whose days are already numbered by God, whose number of hairs are known by Him, who was knit together in my womb and who God intended to be here in God’s timing.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).
Just a few more weeks to go. We love you already, babe!
It is well, it is well with my soul.